I have always been a calm and happy person. Aggressively optimistic, even. I made it through the first 1/3 of my life without feeling much stress, only getting angry on rare occasions. Anger management, emotional therapy, mindfulness exercises, these were all things that I had no need for.

I thought that this was a personality trait, but now I realize that I was simply blessed with an easy life. I wasn’t particularly good at dealing with stress, I just didn’t have much stress coming my way.

Well, parenting is not easy. It is demanding. uncontrollable, scary, and stressful. I love my kids dearly and would not want them to change for the world, and that seems to make it even harder. I want so badly to be the parent they deserve, to guide them with a gentle hand and encourage their every exploration.

But it is hard.

And I am feeling the stress that had nothing to do with me until now. I feel frustrated when things don’t go the way I expected, I feel ashamed when I neglect opportunities to engage my kids, and I feel angry when situations get out of my control.

I have to tell myself to take a deep breath and count to ten. I have to spend time with myself to sort out my feelings and learn what my needs are. All of these techniques that I had always overlooked as having nothing to do with me, are now suddenly instructive and eye-opening.

In my head, I know that I am probably overestimating the impact that I have on my children’s growth. They are their own people, and they will live their lives to their fullest. They will learn from and be influenced by so many more sources than just their father.

But I want to give them everything I can. I want to be a rock-solid, positive influence like my parents were for me. I want to teach them the names of flowers, and insects, and constellations, and construction trucks, and super-heroes, and inventors, and mountains, and countries, and exotic foods. I want to make things with them so that they can understand how things work, how they can take things apart and put them back together again. I want to show them that they are special, and that they have so many unique things to offer to the world.

But I am not that father yet. I’ve learned how selfish and impatient I can be. I’m new to this, too, so of course it will take a lot of time, effort, and patience. I need to take things one step at a time, and also let myself recognize that I am already doing a fine job.

But now, I am stressed out.

But it will be worth it.